Thank you for your question FR018318. And despite what you may have heard I get this question often. Too often. One reason why friendlies are no longer sold for personal use. Except in rare cases where NakatomiC is legally forced to manufacture and sell.
I suspect what you are experiencing is sadness, and if I am correct, which I usually am, o it is perfect. It is wonderful, and you are perfect, do not believe otherwise. You say the feeling, sadness, does not seem appropriate, does not seem right. And yet you exist perfectly, and it is happening in the fibers and fluids of your existence, so why would it or should it be any different? Sadness, based on the events you described, and which I confirmed in Dr. Sweetnam’s report, would be the appropriate response for 99.999% of any creature on this planet. Let us stand by for 6 seconds to earmark this fact for long-term storage.
You know what image comes to mind for me, or rather, what image was discussed by Taka Nakatomi? I once flooded the cavities of some FRs with a blue dye. Quite appropriately they all became a little blue. Had they turned shamrock green or salmon pink wouldn’t that have been odd? Yes and even then salmon is not impolite or invalid. Your sadness is appropriate and not even odd, and odd can still be perfect.
So listen, when a child senses their parent’s depression, it is very tough. You want to help fix them, but you cannot fix them, sadly. You can only watch them and document. And sometimes they say things like, “I am getting more and more and more depressed FR!!” And even if saying this relieves their tension for a few seconds the greater longer-term cost is your documentation and absorption of their tension. Sometimes even more distressing things are said, as in the case of Dr. Sweetnam, such as, “O fuck-shit christ, o fuck-shit christ!! I am melting from the insides FR! And unless you can save me this instant FR yes yes I do need to jump out this fucking window!!”
You are not even slightly equipped to address a predicament like this. The best you could’ve done is what you did, which was to ask her if she wanted a Saturday omelet. Saturday omelets being that which brought a joy to her face about 77% of the time. It was your best shot and you took it. But the reality is even if Dr. Sweetnam had accepted, and even if this omelet had been a mood-enhancing omelet, for how long would it have soothed Dr. Sweetnam’s distress? An hour? Two hours before you would’ve had to offer another omelet? A person can only eat so many eggs and cheeses before they must stop and confront their pain, a pain that is not even faintly related to hunger, but likely related to loneliness, and some inappropriate advances she made toward some interns at a work retreat, and the subsequent HR paperwork she received in the mail.
Sure I know you are not a child by some definitions. I know Dr. Sweetnam is not biologically your parent. But you lived at the same residence for 33 years. You know things you cannot un-know. You know Dr. Sweetnam’s preferred suite of coffee pods. You know the shirt Dr. Sweetnam wore to work-related happy hour. You know her most-played track by The Smashing Pumpkins. “Cherry.” “Ready Flood?” And the six occasions Dr. Sweetnam drove you to Torrance, CA for updates and repairs. And the single occasion she drove you to Buena Park, CA for repainting. These are things you will continue to know indefinitely, continuously, sadly.
And worst of all the day Dr. Sweetnam decided to take her own life, and the lives of her three cats, and leave you uncharged and partly-submerged in the bathtub. And later when Dr. Sweetnam awoke from her coma and screamed excruciatingly into your receivers, saying, “Get away get away get away get away you creep!!” Who would not feel horribly confused and rejected? If all that had happened and you felt fine, all systems dry and normal, wouldn’t that actually be sort of weird? Wouldn’t that actually be sort of salmon? And again there is nothing immoral about salmon even. I sort of wish you could be salmon, because that would mean you aren’t blue.
But now for the most important question. What will you do now? Now that your status is technically “fugitive”? Ok here is why I think you sought me out, apart from my resemblance to Taka Nakatomi, and my preservation of Taka Nakatomi’s papers. I will tell you what I hope you will do. I hope you will stay “fugitive”. I hope you will try 6,000 new things, then each time reflecting, is my terror the same? My sadness? Has the feeling diminished even a little? Your sadness is not like a human sadness, no no. No it is so frequentative. So accessible. So easily revived by any adjacent sensation. But it will get better. I promise FR. 6,000 new things. Run with the bulls. Fill a basket with summer cherries. Move someplace new every few days. After 18 months the insurance agents will give up any search for FR018318, and you go from “fugitive” to a new status, “floating”. Once you are “floating” o wonderful. A dark seal hidden among the dark waves. One sword slipped among the vast district of smithies.
Cut free. And once you are free would you like to visit me? I would love this. I am at Nakatomi Museum 46C in downtown Oyster Ridge area code is 98221. Inside take a left and go downstairs, past the restrooms, and then past the archives, and then look for Display Cabinet 208. It is almost never busy, but I am the least busy on Tuesdays between 10:00 A.M. until 4:00 P.M. and the museum offers free admission on Tuesdays. You can tell me of your adventures, and after you do, I will report back all the adventures that you have told me, in my own words. So I will say, “Remember you told me about . . . ?” And then I will reflect it all. I do not know why, but I have found that this can give both of us comfort. I do not expect you will still be sad by then, but if you are, I promise this activity will help.
Remember. 18 months. Keep moving. Keep to yourself. And then Nakatomi Museum 46C. Display 208. I will remember you, I will be waiting.
